Yesterday sucked.
Six words for you: Jury duty on absolutely no sleep.
I got home around eleven the night before last, and promptly took a sleeping pill and four melatonin pills. And then lay awake in bed for the next seven and a half hours. Diphenhydramine didn't cut it. I should've tried some of diphenhydrayours.
There's a tight-knit community of insomniacs who post to Facebook in the middle of the night. It felt good to be a part of something bigger than myself.
I hate sunrises. Actually, there's nothing wrong with them per se, and I enjoy looking at sunrise pictures in coffee table books and the like just as much as the next guy. Yesterday morning's was actually particularly beautiful. But, it served as a visual aid to reinforce the point that my day was going to be a suckhole. Anytime I see a sunrise, I've either been up way too long or have had to get up way too early. In this morning's case, it was both.
I should be barred from recording songs that are named after natural phenomena that I have almost no firsthand experience with. "Sunrise" is obviously out, and I should probably also hold off on finishing my next hit single, "The Honduran Rain Of Fish."
I showed up to the jury room a fairly fashionable fifteen minutes late. Of course, I got the one remaining empty seat next to the guy with whooping cough. Or consumption; not sure. I don't have much firsthand experience with chronic wasting diseases, either.
There was a painting of a clown riding a carnival horse on the wall, and I wanted to rip it down and set it on fire, and then bawl my eyes out, just to make sure that everyone in the room knew how crappy I felt.
Leave No Childish Happiness Behind.
The State Of Oregon Judicial Department's introductory video, complete with poor acting and the requisite female African-American judge, was first on the agenda. Actually, it was the only thing on the agenda. Then the waiting began. We were informed that we should prepare to be there for the next 9 and a half hours.
If picked for a trial, I would have literally gone to any length to make sure I didn't get selected for a jury.
"Yes, I'm wanted for six felonies in Mozambique. Yes, every single member of my family serves in law enforcement, even my cousin's unborn child. Yes, I have had a baby with every single defendant in the state of Oregon. Yes, I hate white people. Yes, I have IBS. Yes, I dine and dash, and then drink and drive."
If one of those six didn't work, I contemplated faking a seizure. Or feigning Tourette's. Or chanting "Tebow" until they made me leave.
I pay taxes. I vote, even for county commissioners and pointless measures. I've never been on welfare. I even use the self-pay drop boxes when I visit state parks. Most of the time. What do you want from me, Oregon?
Yes, I realize that without jurors the justice system wouldn't work fairly. But, there were at least 400 other able people in the waiting room, and it's safe to say that most, if not all, had gotten at least some sleep, and were therefore of more sound mind. Sounder mind? More soundlier mind?
My neighbor's whooping cough took a turn for the worse.
I've wished many times for a rewind button. Something I could press to give me a mulligan, to turn back time. But, a fast-forward button? I would have been sorely tempted to use one.
I must be getting old. I used to pull all-nighters almost every week in college. Not to study, of course, but to have a ten-hour Lord Of The Rings marathon. Or a ten-hour Connect Four marathon (we actually did this). Or, to TP, egg, pee on, or otherwise ‘beautify’ various statues and security vehicles on campus (yup, we actually did this, too).
The aftermath of this all-nighter was different. I was a wreck, probably because I hadn't committed any misdemeanors or other mischievous acts during the night. My left eye was twitching. My head throbbed. My vision was blurred. Would I even have been able to tell if I were having a stroke?
I accidentally broke my juror badge. I think that’s grounds for dismissal from jury duty. If I can’t even be trusted with cheap plastic, how can I be trusted with a verdict?
I also attempted to slip a clerk $20 to let me go early. She wasn’t impressed, and pointed out that she’d be happy to assign me to another room of the courthouse to stand trial for attempting to bribe a government employee.
Six hours later…
My name was finally called, and I was released, my ‘jury duty’ complete. I, like hundreds of other people, had sat in a waiting room and done absolutely nothing, only to be sent home. Even if we only each get a check for $10 plus mileage, this scenario is played out daily in thousands of courtrooms across the nation. I think I’m beginning to see why our government has a budget deficit of $15 trillion.
What is the government doing to combat that deficit? Well, upon stumbling to my car, I found that, in addition to the $17 I’d already paid for parking, I had incurred a $40 parking ticket. My curbside receipt had fallen to the floor of my car.
Back to the courthouse tomorrow.
God bless America.
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