Fruitcake Merrily On High.

When did Christmas get all prima donna and demand its own month?

Every other holiday gets merely a single day.  In 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue, but he doesn't even get more than 24 hours and a lame excuse for financial institutions to take the day off?  Do you know how hard it was to sail around the earth back when it was flat?  This is how we say thanks?

Sure, some of the more prestigious holidays might command a weekend.  Halloween stores do open up a couple weeks before Oct. 31, and Irish people find reasons to get drunk year-round, not just on March 17.  But, Christmas is still in a class all its own.

Sadly, Yuletide's length enshrouds some other meaningful December holidays in its bloated wreath-shaped shadow.  Holidays like Forefathers' Day, December 21, which shouldn't be confused with Four Fathers Day, a celebration of homosexual plural marriage.  Holidays like Pepper Pot Day, December 29. And, of course, my personal favorite, December 8...

Take It In The Ear Day.  Look it up.

Despite my unabashed affinity for it, I have questions about this holiday.  How do I celebrate?  What exactly am I supposed to be taking in my ear?  And, most importantly, which ear should I take it in?

Perhaps the Christmas season is so long simply because of the lack of ample competition from any other December holiday.  Perhaps Christmas helps us forget that Pearl Harbor Day and National Cotton Candy Day fall on the same date, and helps us avoid the inherent bipolar mood swings that this juxtaposition would provoke.

Sure, Christmas is a great holiday, one that billions, young and old, look forward to annually.  However, plenty of other holidays encourage family togetherness.  Plenty of other holidays encourage wanton spending and lavish consumerism. Furthermore, those individuals, myself included, who point to the birth of Jesus as being a seminal event worthy of extended celebration should be reminded that most scholars agree that Jesus was actually most likely born around September.

This leaves us with two theories as to why we celebrate Christmas in December:

1.  The celebration of the birth of Jesus was moved in order to better coincide with the celebration of the Roman winter solstice.

2.  Chuck Norris once accidentally sent Jesus a birthday card in December.  Jesus was too embarrassed to inform Chuck of his mistake.  Thus, we've celebrated Christmas in December ever since.

For the record, I'm not opposed to Christmas claiming the entire month of December.  It's kind of a worthless month with nothing else going on.  It's the Edsel of months, at least at higher latitudes here in the Northern Hemisphere.  And if you're in the Southern Hemisphere, what happens to your Christmas carols this time of year?  Do Australian families gather around their air conditioning units and sing "Let It Sun"?  Or "Frosty the Foster's"?  "Go Tell It In The Outback"?  "I Heard The Didgeridoo On Christmas Day"?  "Bring A 3-Foot Hunting Knife, Jeanette Isabella"?  "Summer Wonderland"?

I could go on.

But, if Yuletide is going to last as long as it does, some changes need to take place, especially when it comes to Christmas music.  My first suggestion for improvement?  Pass laws that prevent this poor excuse for music, at least the really cheesy kind, from being played until, say, around December 23.  Anywhere.  Everywhere.  I mean, "Santa Baby"?  Really?  How many rich old sugar daddies did the singer confess her love to in exchange for gifts before she settled for one that doesn't actually exist?

And "Come On A My House"?  Really, Rosemary Clooney?  In the good ol' days, they used to lock people away for confessing to pedophilia, like you do numerous times in this song.  Fortunately, you failed to provide your address, so hopefully not too many children were able to take you up on your creepy offer.

My second suggestion would be to update the woefully antiquated ditty "Twelve Days Of Christmas".  If my true love gave me ten lords a-leaping, I would be taken aback, to say the least, although I'm curious to see how long said lords could maintain their jumping routine.  The song implicitly promises me that these lords simply don't quit.  If I caught a lord taking a break, could I borrow a drumstick from one of the twelve drummers and beat him with it?

Furthermore, since I don't own cattle, what exactly would those eight maids be milking?  Does anyone even know what a colly bird is?  (Yes, that's the original lyric.)  It's time to bring this song back to cultural relevance by replacing these hopelessly superannuated gifts with things that members of today's society would actually be happy to receive:  divorce papers, welfare checks, and a 40 of Old E.

The last item actually fits neatly into the song, right where the partridge line used to be.  Plus, Old E is conveniently sold everywhere.  Who knows where you can purchase a pear tree these days, much less a partridge who would be content remaining in one for an extended period of time.

Come to think of it, we might as well overhaul America's entire repertoire of Christmas carols.

"Winter Wonderland" sucks.  It must go.

"What Child Is This"?  Duh, it's Jesus.  Stupid question.  Next.

"I Saw Three Ships Come Sailing In"?  Good for you, dollard.  You're at a port.  Lots of ships sail in daily.

"Carol Of The Bells", "Jingle Bells", "Silver Bells" and "I Heard The Bells On Christmas Day" need an instrument change.  Bells are annoying at best.  I was forced to play in a bell choir with a bunch of nerdy girls for a few months growing up.  This was arguably the worst parenting decision my parents ever made.

And, finally, "Ding Dong Merrily On High"?  Stupid.  But, if we're going to keep it, let's at least give a nod to other dessert snack makers.  Hostess has had the corner on this song, and therefore this market, for far too long.  I would vote for either "Oatmeal Cream Pie Merrily On High" or "Zebra Cakes Merrily On High", but I'm open to suggestions.

In reality, we should probably vote in the most austere and revered dessert snack of all, that holiday institution, the gift that keeps on giving.  Let's go with "Fruitcake Merrily On High".  Cut. Print.  That's a wrap.